VIRUS WARNINGThis virus warning is genuine.There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.
At first I thought that this was just a joke, …..then I realized I may actually have this virus!! Sorry, can't write anymore. I'm off to the pub to start drinking the cure for this virus ASAP. And I think I'll actually repeat the stated action TWENTY times . You can't be too careful, you know (hic). PS: I think "Scooby Doo" WAS the greatest cartoon ever!!
Update on Banking crisis... news from JapanFollowing the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Origami BankHas the "Origami Bank" really folded?Most readers will immediately realize that the above emailed "news" item is intended solely to amuse. In a clever play on words, the unidentified author of the piece laments the worsening status of several (entirely fictitious) Japanese banks as a result of the current world economic crisis flowing on from the US sub prime lending disaster.Surprisingly however, several people have emailed me to ask if the information in the message is true, hence its inclusion on these pages.Presumably, those who are not familiar with the meanings of the words used as bank names in the message are those that do not "get" the joke.If you are one of the people scratching their heads trying to see the funny side, here are a couple of hints. "Origami" is the ancient Japanese art of paper folding, so saying that the "Origami Bank" has FOLDED, is an amusing play on words. Japanese Sumo wrestlers are characterized by their very large bellies, hence the reference to the "Sumo Bank" going BELLY UP. All the other bank names have similar double meanings.A dictionary or some quick googling should help with the rest of the "bank names".
Subj: VIRUS ALERT Status: PUBLIC MESSAGEWarning: There's a new virus on the loose that's worse than anything I've seen before! It gets in through the power line, riding on the powerline 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction one's disks spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy, West Dakota, alone! And that's just in the last 12 minutes.It attacks DOS, Unix, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac, RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, and VHS systems.To prevent the spread of the worm:1) Don't use the powerline.2) Don't use batteries either, since there are rumours that this virus has invaded most major battery plants, and is infecting the positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just the negative pole.)3) Don't upload or delete or download files.4) Don't store files on floppy disks or hard disks.5) Don't read messages. No, not even this one!6) Don't use serial ports, toasters, modems, or phone lines.7) Don't use keyboards, screens, electric toothbrushes, or printers. Don't use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or mainframes.9) Don't use electric lights, electric or gas heat, or airconditioning, running water, vibrators, writing, fire, clothing, or the wheel.I'm sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic fluids of our computers can be kept pure.
This rather harmless email forward is designed to make fun of the dire virus hoaxes that often circulate. Perhaps if recipients get a laugh out of reading this satirical "Virus Alert" email, they will be less likely to believe and forward the next "serious" virus hoax that crosses their inboxes.Unfortunately, if past experience is anything to go by, some will afford the email only the most cursory of examinations before forwarding it to all in their address book in the belief that it is a legitimate warning.Any virus warning that arrives via email should ideally be verified at a reputable anti-virus or anti-hoax website before being forwarded to others.
WARNING TO ALL DOG OWNERSWarning to all dog owners: Watch your dog!The State Highway Patrol in conjunction with the FBI has issued a warning advising all dog owners to keep their dogs indoors until further notice. Dogs are being picked off one at a time on an almost continual basis throughout the city. They are falling in great numbers. Police in the city advise all dog owners not to walk their dogs - KEEP THEM INDOORS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!
My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy.My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance.I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, " Don't cry, Mommy and " and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, Even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates Will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better.Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell.What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freaking' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me.I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.Thank You,Billy " Smiles " Evans
You must read this out LOUD!!!Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.(Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!)If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.[Remaining verses removed: The verse above and the verses that I have removed from this example were stolen from a longer poem by Gene Ziegler - See analysis below for details.]Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives
This amusing and well written poem has become an Internet favourite. It has been posted on a great many websites and circulates via email almost continually. The poem commonly sports the title "Why Computers Sometimes Crash!" and its authorship is attributed to famous American writer and cartoonist, Dr. Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel). Another, version of the poem circulates with the title "What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals?" and lists the author as "Anonymous".Astute recipients would have suspected that the piece was not actually penned by Dr. Seuss (who died in 1991) and was attributed to him simply because of its Seuss like style. That said, many of us are perhaps guilty of believing that the poem was just one more among the thousands of jokes, poems and stories of unclaimed and unknown authorship that make their way around Cyberspace.In fact, the piece is part of a longer poem written by Gene Ziegler in 1994 and titled "A Grandchild's Guide to Using Grandpa's Computer". The complete poem, is available on Gene Ziegler's website. In a history of the poem on the same web page, Gene explains: Unfortunately, the internet being what it is, some scoundrel whose editing skills exceeded his or her ethical standards edited the poem, reduced it by half, removed my name, and recirculated it under the title "If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer", attributed to the ever prolific "Anonymous." The version included above attributes the poem to Dr. Seuss himself and adds a reference to Bill Gates along with advice to read the poem aloud.After he discovered that his work had been stolen, Gene Ziegler wrote another, very witty poem entitled "Hang the Information Highwayman!" in which he eloquently condemns the plagiarist.The fact that the plagiarized versions of the original poem have become so popular and spread so widely is testament to its quality and appeal. It is sad and unfair that Mr. Ziegler has been so often denied the credit he deserves. Please do not circulate or publish the stolen versions of the poem. The original and other excellent works are available for your reading pleasure o
Generally, I hate the hoax warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit that this one is important.Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list.If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do not show him your bum.This is a scam - he only wants to see your bum.
SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST.I hate those hoax e-mail warnings, but this one is important.If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your boobs, DO NOT show him your boobs. This is a scam. He only wants to see your boobs.I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
I hate people who forward these hoax warnings as much as anyone, but this one is important!Send this warning to all of the men on your e-mail list!If a young lady comes to your front door saying she is conducting a survey on Rocky Mountain ticks and asks you to take off your clothes, do not do it!This is a scam; she only wants to see you naked!I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now!
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will s cramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles . It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.Be very, very afraid. PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!
This email is actually a spoof of an old hoax. The email makes fun of the old GoodTimes virus hoax that filled inboxes a few years ago.Possibly, its writer penned it in an effort to debunk the original hoax in a humorous way. Unfortunately, the spoof itself has spawned many versions, some of which have been abridged to the point that people once again believe they are legitimate warnings.I think there is some irony in there somewhere (grin).In another strange twist, pop group, Laika, have used the words from this hoax email as the lyrics to one of their singles, a move that may help to educate the general public about virus hoaxes. In any case, Laika's musical version of the hoax makes for a good song.
Digital camera for saleLooking to sell a digital camera - I don't need it any longer as I'm in the hospital. I'm including the last photo that I took so that you have some idea about the picture quality.(See attached file: el_ultim.jpg)
Hey. I just got this in the mail, from Symantec, so I thought I'd forward it along. It's a new virus that we should watch out for. PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.Virus Update, 1/07/02Symantec Virus Alert CenterHello Subscriber, As part of our ongoing effort to keep Symantec clients up to date on virus alerts, this e-mail is being sent to all Symantec subscribers. A new, deadly type of virus has been detected in the wild. You should not open any message entitled "LAUNCH NUCLEAR STRIKE NOW," as this message has been programmed to access NORAD computers in Colorado and launch a full-scale nuclear strike on Russia and the former Soviet states. Apparently, a disgruntled ex-Communist hacker has designed a pernicious vb-script that actually bypasses the U.S. arsenal's significant security system and takes command of missiles and bombers directly. By opening the e-mail, you may be causing Armageddon. Needless to say, Armageddon will wipe out your hard drive and damage your computer. Again, we warn you, PLEASE, DO NOT OPEN ANY E-MAIL ENTITLED "LAUNCH NUCLEAR STRIKE NOW." YOU MAY CAUSE A FULL-SCALE NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST. As a precaution, all U.S. nuclear missiles have been set to "Do Not Author!ize Launch Via E-mail" to prevent an accidental Armageddon. However, due to a Y2K bug, the possibility still exists that you may end life as we know it on this planet by opening the aforementioned e-mail.VIRUS NAME: ArmaGeddyLee, HappyOrMaybeNot00, OopsWrongButton00TRANSMITTAL METHOD: vb-script attached to e-mailHAZARD: Extremely Super HighAREA OF INFECTION: Detected in wildCHARACTERISTICS: Destroys life on earth via nuclear ArmageddonPlease forward this warning to everyone you can. Thank you for your attention to this matter,Sincerely,The Symantec Anti-Virus Team
